I was just reading a post by my friend (and fellow loserpie) Jamie on NJ.com about the urge to have more children. It got me really thinking. How do I write about this without sounding like the worst mother in the entire world? How do I actually write down that I do NOT want anymore children- definitively- without making other moms banish me from their babysitting phone lists? I don’t know, but there it is…I don’t want any more children.
I have 2 right now who are my world. My daughter is 7 and may as well be 20 with her wide open mind. She has a brain like no other and her wit is fantastic. She gets jokes…she MAKES jokes… she is a whip. My son just turned 3 and is the cutest little charmer. He tells jokes, too, but they could be nonsense and I’d still laugh because of his delivery. Always with a twinkly smile. I can’t believe they are mine. It blows my mind every time I look at them and see them do normal human things. They are what makes our family 100% whole.
But on the flip-side, it is HARD WORK. Much harder than I ever anticipated. On the best days of parenting, I still go to bed exhausted. On the worst days, exhausted happens, but sleep doesn’t. The tremendous worry that goes along with having children overwhelms me sometimes. Without sounding like a sappy Lifetime movie character, I feel like my kids are little pieces of my heart walking around out there. I know I’m not the only parent who gets upset leaving the kids for a night out, but I’ll tell ya…it’s really hard for me.
And I don’t know if I’m good at it, either. There is no way to tell. I think my kids are good…they have manners, they eat their vegetables, they love me. I know that’s all that really matters in the long run, but is it? I don’t know. I always wanted to be a mom…for as long as I can remember, that was going to be my job title. (Well, except for that short stint when I wanted to be a dentist for other dentists because I couldn’t figure out who cleaned THEIR teeth.) And I always thought it would be hard, but do-able. And it is. And I’m doing it. And I love it. And my family is complete.
I’m sure there are many different branches to this tree that could be discussed, but this is just the trunk of the thing. Do I love kids? Yes. Would I be upset if an “accident” were to happen and another baby came into the picture? No, because that would just be what was meant to be. All I’m stating here is that if I have the choice, I like my family number at 4.